Sunday, June 22, 2014

Don't talk about your feet and other things not to say on a first date

Like death and taxes, dating is often one of those unavoidable things we just have to suffer through until we meet ‘the one’. While it doesn’t have to be a grueling process, it often is.

First dates are exciting, brimming with potential. But the fact that your next first date could be your last first date comes with the flip side: not only could it not lead to marriage (or even a second date), it could be down right unpleasant. I’m a glass-is-half-full kind of person – the crazier someone acts on the first date, the more grateful I am it happened on the first, and not the third, or tenth, date – or after the honeymoon. The sooner I see we are totally incompatible, the sooner I can move on to someone more suitable. No matter how sunny my disposition on dating is, it doesn’t mean I’m not thrown for a loop when dates say things that raise an eyebrow or two. Since I always try to protect the privacy of those I date (hopefully ensuring guys will continue to want to go out with me without fear of becoming the subject of an upcoming column) I crowdsourced my friends for some of the least-expected, and least welcomed, sentences they've heard on a first date.

Think of this as perspective for your next less than great first date – at least he or she didn’t say any of the things below (or if it was something worse please share!).

Things not to say on a first date:

1. "I have written a poem for you on my cellphone while I was on the toilet, would you like to see?”

2. "Did you know you can pleasure a man with your feet?"

3. "Wow, you don't look like you exercise!"

4. "You don't move much, do you?"

5. "I heard she only married me to get back at her dad."

6. "If your phone rings, you can answer it, if my mom calls I'm going to answer."

7. "Did you used to do a lot of drugs, because you talk like you used to do drugs."

8. "When was the last time you had sex? For me it was last night."

9. "The neighborhood I live in is great if you want to make sure women never talk to you."

10. "I haven't told my doctor, but I stopped taking my meds."

11. "I wanted to let you know that I have a platonic relationship with this girl. Every time she's sad she comes over and I comfort her, like we sleep together."

12. "I think Borat is an accurate representation of life as a foreigner in the USA."

13. "I don't want to kill my ex-wife, I just wish she was dead."

14. "My brother is very well off and he took his wife last year to France, that is probably where my Nephew was conceived."

15. "You look tired."

Each phrase has its own curl of wisdom behind why it is so very wrong to say on a first date (or in some cases, ever). We can discuss those at another time. In the meantime, please share your own worst date phrases in the comments, and breathe a sigh of relief if you never heard any of these!